Zachary: Hello, everybody. Welcome back to the Stuck In The Middle podcast. My name is Zach and today I'm here with Amber King Henriques. Amber, can you please tell the listeners who you are and a little bit about your family history.
Amber: Hi, Zach. Thank you for having me and hello everyone. My name is Amber King Henriques. I am 23 years old and I am half Portuguese, half South African. My mom is South African, classified as coloured during apartheid but she self identifies as black and my dad is white Portuguese.
Zachary: Ok. Can you recount some experiences that you think are unique about being a mixed race child growing up? I mean, I'm speaking more about like school or even work now and your social life.
Amber: Yeah, of course. I think there are many experiences that I've had that are unique to being mixed race compared to my other black friends, for instance. But just to mention a few, I do recall in primary school, for instance, I think the first time that I really realized and started to question how people see me and whether they see me as black or white, was when one of my white teachers commented on me having my hair braided and we were going on a camp and it was just really convenient and much easier for me to manage my curly hair when it was braided and she said that it's culturally inappropriate for me to have braided hair because my dad is white and in that moment, I think I realized that, you know people don't see me the way I see myself, and that really brought about a lot of questions and I think that's the one experience that has really sat with me. Because it really just sent me down a different trajectory in terms of my self identity growing up. Another example, socially, would be that I often get asked by new friends that I meet, and especially now than living in Europe, you know, what am I? And where am I from? And when I say South Africa, sometimes they look a little bit confused because I’m not a dark skinned South African, you know and that's when I have to end up explaining, you know, that I'm half South African and half Portuguese and that's why I'm slightly light skinned. So yeah, those are the two experiences that came to mind for me.
Zachary: Just out of curiosity, just an add-on here. When you tell people, socially, about your mixed race, are they very quickly accepting of it, or do they still get confused?
Amber: I think generally yes, they are quite accepting of it. I think when I say I'm South African, they look really confused. As soon as I say, you know, well, I'm half South African, half Portuguese. It's like something clicked in their mind just seeing like, hey, that's why she looks the way that she looks, it makes sense.
Zachary: Hmm yeah. Now you mentioned the teacher being very rude. But were there any other challenges as a mixed race person in your entire life that you've come across but like have made a really serious, significant impact?
Amber: I think one of the main challenges has to do with my self identity and my self rejection phase of my life was actually because I felt that in school and in my social life, when I was younger, when I was hanging out with my white friends, I never felt that I was white enough, and I never felt that I truly belonged in that circle: and the same went for when I was hanging out with my black friends. I never felt that I was black enough, and especially if they spoke in Zulu or isiXhosa, I could never really relate and that further increased my feeling of not belonging, and that really changed my life in a significant way because. With that experience came me having to really look internally and really find my sense of belonging within myself and once I had done that, I was able to see the positive behind those challenges that I had formally experienced.
Zachary: I mean, you bring up positive and, of course, I mentioned in in the last interview, I feel like most of the time I'm beating up on mixed race, but can we speak more about positive experiences as a mixed race person?
Amber: Yeah, I think there are many positives. First, I do love being mixed race and definitely one of the privileges, as we have many privileges in many different contexts, would be that while I'm not treated like a white person, I think that, especially in the South African context, I have definitely experienced privilege in terms of being light skinned and treated differently to some of my darker friends or compared to somebody who would be treated differently because of their dark skin. So I think that would be a positive in an unfortunate situation that I have experienced. While at school, as I mentioned, I never really felt a sense of belonging, but I did recognize that there is a beauty and I started to see the beauty and who I was and who I am and who I'm still becoming, and that really also changed my mindset and changed the way that I looked at myself when I looked in the mirror. And then, lastly, would be having dual citizenship. I absolutely love this amazing privilege of being South African and being Portuguese and having the ability to currently live and study in Europe. It's a great opportunity and I really love and adore both of my cultures.
Zachary: So you mentioned currently living in Spain. How do you think your experiences of being a mixed race person have been different, you know, because you were brought up here in South Africa and now you live in Europe?
Amber: Yeah, I think, so far, the experience hasn't been that different to what I've experienced in South Africa. I think purely because I also have a really strong sense of self and I have I'm very grounded within myself. But having lived in South Africa, I was able to be immersed in true black culture and black traditions. And now living in Europe, I feel that I'm able to connect more with my dad’s side of the family. Luckily, I haven't really experienced anything thus far that has really made me shift the way that I see myself as a mixed race person. I do feel though that sometimes I really miss being around more people of color and black people because I am in the minority and being in the minority can be quite challenging sometimes. So I think that would be at the moment for me the main… One of the things that stand out, in terms of experience.
Zachary: Just out of curiosity, do you think people in Spain see you more, this is going to sound quite odd, but see you more normal like? Is it more normal in South Africa? I know I use that term loosely, but are they more accepting here or Spain?
Amber: It's kind of hard to say. I think there's an element of normalisation when it comes to people being mixed race because I have seen a fair share of mixed race people. So I don't think it's like, new, I don't think I've interacted with enough Spanish people to say for sure. I will say though in my educational context… in my university context, I am the minority in terms of people of colour. So well, I'm actually the only person of colour in my group, that I've been studying in, although at the moment I'm doing my semester abroad and there are a lot more… There's a lot more diversity in the group, which is great, but my group from Portugal, I'm the only person so. Yeah, I think it's a difficult question to ask because I obviously don't want to speak generally because it’s also my first time in Spain. So I'm not very familiar with this.
Zachary: Yeah, fair enough. So your mum's side is South African and your dad's side is Portuguese, yes? Obviously, very different cultures. How do you navigate the differences between them and being brought up in them?
Amber: Luckily, I have had the privilege of growing up around both cultures. When I was younger and living in South Africa and my grandma from Portugal was also living in South Africa for a while, so I was really able to be between both cultures, you know. My parents were divorced, so spending time with my mom and then spending time with my dad on the weekends or in the following week, I was really able to be, you know, in both. When I got older, my grandma moved back to Portugal. That's when we started traveling to Portugal every second year for December. So, I think that that's been a real privilege because I've been able to keep in touch with that side of my family and that culture without feeling that I'm more South African than Portuguese. Yeah, it is a challenge though, because as you mentioned, they are very two different cultures. And for example, you know the smallest thing, like the kinds of Christmas cake that we have and the way that Christmas is celebrated are two very different things. The kind of Christmas cake that we have in South Africa is fundamentally different to the kind of Christmas cake that we have in Portugal. It's, I mean, there's been ups and downs, to put it lightly.
Zachary: Uhm, well, so you've lived here most of your life. Have there ever been experiences where you've been pressed to identify with one side of your family? Probably your mother's side or anything of that sort?
Amber: Yeah, I would say that going back to the experience of being at school. I think during the high school period, I definitely felt that people were more insistent on identifying me with being white because of my light skin and not really being fully accepting of the black side to me, and it's something that I've always had to either defend or speak about or constantly remind people about, when I was growing up. As of late, it hasn't been that way, luckily. You know, when society feels the need to put us into a box. I think it's because, it makes them feel safe, the certainty of knowing what I am and where I come from, that makes them feel more comfortable and makes them feel safe. I really had to reframe my thinking and my mindset and think, ok, well, they ask me not because it necessarily has to do with me, but because it has to do with them. And that has really also helped. To not try and feel like I'm leaving one part of me out when I'm constantly explaining and bouncing between the two and trying to justify the way that I look.
Zachary: The way that you look is a great segue into what I'm going to ask next. I'm going to avoid the idea of skin colour cause we've spoken a bit about it, but how important are your physical features aside from skin colour to how you identify?
Amber: It's actually a question that I've been thinking about leading up to this interview because I really do love being mixed race and I think my journey of self acceptance and self belonging has really allowed me to fully embrace myself and my physical features. I think it's allowed me to walk into a room and show up and not feel that I'm any less than because that's how I used to feel when I was younger. And yeah, I think it's important for me to, every day wake up and just love myself for who I am and for how I look and my curly hair and my crazy Afro. So I think that has really helped and it's, yeah, it's definitely a daily practice for me.
Zachary: Ok. To sort of end off in a way, do you have any advice for mixed race kids? I say that as if you're like 20 years older than me, but you're not. But do you have any advice for mixed race kids like me who are growing up in this day and age and are feeling challenged by, you know, the world, because the world seems to, as you say, want to feel safe and make some sort of category for you. Do you have any advice for us, I guess?
Amber: Yeah, I think the first thing that I would say, based on my experience and just on what has worked for me would be find that sense of belonging within yourself first so that it can ground you, and so that you're not shakeable. And so that you don't feel othered or that you don't belong when you walk into a room or in a certain group of people. That really helped me. The second thing would be to familiarise yourself and educate yourself with vocabulary to have these kinds of conversations when they come about without feeling that you are at a lost for words and can't explain and articulate, you know, who you are, where you come from, how you're mixed. The third thing would be to not be so hard on yourself. I think I really did that growing up and it really was also kind of detrimental to my self love and my mental health, it's really not easy and one of the things that my mom speaks about in her line of work is how, you know, people of colour and black people and mixed people are always in survival mode and you know it's there's so many…it's so multifaceted. And there's so many different things that are important to take into consideration when being asked about where you are, where you come from. It's easy, obviously easier said than done, but try not to take it so personally like I did, you know, especially when those feelings of self doubt or self rejection come about. Really try to refrain so that it's not so impactful on you as an individual and then lastly, things that really worked for me was, like affirmation and self appreciation and having a daily practice. My mom and I, on my way to school, when she was driving me to school, we would have a daily gratitude journal that we would just list things to do with our life and to do with ourselves as individuals that we are grateful for, that we appreciate. And these affirmations really helped me with being gentle with myself and helped me meet myself where I was at the time because I think I was so focused on getting that external validation and being seen the way that I see myself, that it took me literally, like away from myself, if that makes sense. So yeah, I think finding these practices really early on will really help for when, you know, you're out of school and you're in a bigger social circle and travelling and working and living a life.
Zachary: That's amazing advice thank you. That was amazing. Thank you. Do you have anything else you want to say on this podcast?
Amber: Just that I'm really proud of you.
Zachary: Thank you. Thank you.
Amber: And I think it's a great conversation to be having.
Zachary: Thank you so much.
Comments